


I wish that I was stronger, I'd separate the waves

by JuliaBaggins



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drowning, Fluff and Angst, Her and Joe are friends because I say so, Joe likes snow, M/M, Mentions of That Time in Malta, Nicky.. not so much, Post Movie, Quynh gets there in the second chapter, Smut, The first chapter is only angsty at the end
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:01:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25809277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliaBaggins/pseuds/JuliaBaggins
Summary: Joe and Nicky are having a lovely time in Norway. Until suddenly, it all falls apart.Nicky is drowning. And Joe's heart bursts into a thousand sharp splinters, as his worst nightmare seems to be coming true...
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani & Quynh | Noriko, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 20
Kudos: 102





	I wish that I was stronger, I'd separate the waves

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write this story ever since first watching the movie and now finally found the time to do so, yay! I hope you'll like it ☺️💕

Nicolò woke up slowly, the feeling of a dream that he wouldn't have been able to put into words but that had left a warm sensation in his chest still lingering with him. He didn't open his eyes yet, didn't move, just listened. And what he heard made him smile. There was the wind, rattling against the wooden walls of their small house, the scream of an eagle somewhere far above, and, most important, the calm breath of his love. Nicolò snuggled a little closer into Yusuf's embrace, feeling the other's arms tighten around his middle instinctively, and finally, heard the pattern of his breathing change.

"I can tell that you're awake, amore mio", Nicky whispered after a moment, his fingers softly stroking over Joe's arm.

"Hmm, you can't prove that", came a sleepy sounding answer, "Maybe I'm still dreaming", and with that, Joe buried his face into Nicky's neck, his curls tickling one of the Italian's ears.

"Good dream it is?", a hint of teasing in his voice.

Joe chuckled lightly, and then started kissing Nicky's skin. Featherlight at first, barely a hint of lips at his ear, then a bit more determined, his lips on Nicky's neck, and finally, his teeth nibbling at the point where neck meets shoulder. Empires rise and civilizations fall during the centuries, but some things resist any change, and one of those facts that history possessed no power over was the way in which Nicky reacted to Joe doing that. It had nearly been a millennium since he had discovered this - the lingering flames of a small campfire on Nicolò's fair skin, their bodies pressed close together, Yusuf's teeth on his companion's skin, and suddenly, a sound sweeter than the voices of angels could be had torn through the silence embracing the desert. 

Now, far away in distance and even more so in time, Nicky made the same sound, a high thing that coudln't quite decide if it was a gasp or a moan, and Joe felt himself in paradise. He spun Nicky around in his arms, to drink those heavenly sounds from his lips, to cause more of them, and when his teeth buried themselves in Nicky's lower lip, what was like music to his ears did change, desire burning dark in his love's voice.

After kissing Nicky some more, hungry, never getting enough, Joe leaned back, just the tiniest bit, to be able to speak without his words getting lost in the desire between their lips. 

"What do you want to do, my love?" 

Nicolò blinked up at him from underneath his lashes, his pupils blown wide, and when he spoke, in Arabic, his every word was heavy with need. 

"Take me, take me Yusuf, show me that I'm yours." 

Joe's smile turned into a smirk at this, and his hands in Nicky's hair tightened, but his gaze was ever so gentle, when he leaned down to whisper into Nicky's ear. 

_"Mine"_

Nicky shivered, and Joe found great pleasure in taking his time to make his love fall apart. He kissed his way all down Nicky's body, slowly, acknowledging his pleas - "More, faster, please, don't stop" - with nothing but a smile flashing through his eyes, and his fingers gently stroking Nicky's trembling hips. 

Joe's fingers inside him soon had Nicky impatient as well, and oh, that was something to enjoy. Usually, Nicky was so calm, collected, patient; had been back when they met, studying the wind and the weight of his bow long enough until he found the perfect moment to shoot an arrow right through an enemy's heart (when that enemy had been Yusuf, it was over too fast for him to even notice he was dying, and when he later woke up, met wide sea-green eyes, his heart was stuck by another kind of force), and still was, sometimes motionless for days staring through his sniper riffle, waiting for the time to strike, like the most deadly of snakes. But here, there was nothing left of his patience. Nicky was begging, shamelessly moving himself closer to Joe's fingers, chasing after their touch, and after Joe took them out, he granted himself another moment to just _watch._

Nicky noticed what he was doing, of course he did, felt Joe's heavy gaze on his body, and green flames were burning in his eyes when his hand shot up, fingers tightening in Joe's curls, bordering on painful. He brought their faces close to each other, and there was steel in his gaze, but when he spoke, his voice was nothing but a needy whisper. 

_"Yusuf"_ , Nicky pleaded, and this was all that Joe needed to hear. 

Without warning, Joe's fingers closed around Nicky's wrist, brought his hand away from his hair. He left a lingering kiss above the heartbeat hammering underneath Nicky's pale wrist, and then held both of the Italian's wrists above his head, his grip on them steady. Nicky swallowed, was about to open his mouth, to beg for Joe to just use him already, when he already felt his love entering him, and what had been supposed to be words turned into a satisfied moan. 

The kisses Joe left on Nicky's lips were gentle, but the way he fucked him was everything but, and Nicky was sure he must lose his mind, that his being must crumble into nothing but pleasure and wanting for more and Yusuf Yusuf _Yusuf_. He arched his hips up from the bed, to allow Joe's thrusts to hit him even deeper, felt Joe's nails painfully digging into the skin around his wrists, and when soft lips left his own, to allow teeth to bury themselves into his shoulder, Nicky came with a shout and stars blackening his vision. 

It took a moment to come back to himself, but it was oh so different from how coming back from death felt, for here, there was no cold nothingness between losing consciousness and coming back to it, instead pure bliss, and when Nicky opened his eyes again, there were no closing wounds, no feeling of danger lingering around, no phantom pain of bruises already healed. And, most importantly, there was no worry in Joe's dark eyes, nothing but happily sparkling _love_ , and Nicky was sure that even if he'd be granted to live another thousand years, he'd never see anything as beautiful. 

"Ciao", Joe whispered, a smile playing around his lips, before wrapping his arms gently around Nicky, holding him close.

For a while, Nicky just let himself be held, exhausted in a way that physical pain never could achieve, content to not move a single muscle, except his fingers to lightly paint mindless patterns on Joe's skin.

"So, nice dream it was?", Nicky finally asked, and it took Joe a moment, but then he laughed, his whole body shaking with it.

And Nicky remembered what he had been promised, so many lifetimes ago, the sounds of heavenly silver bells ringing above Jerusalem, and he knew that even if those had existed, their sound never could have been sweeter than that of his heart's laughter.

For a few minutes, they stayed in bed after that, snoozing in the afterglow, until suddenly, a noise occurred. And Joe had to chuckle when he realized that it was Nicky's stomach.

"Come on sweetheart, I'll make us something to eat", and with that, he already started to raise his body from the bed.

"Mpfff", what left Nicky's lips was an unidentifiable sound of protest rather than a word, and to support his point, his arms tightened around Joe, "Stay."

Joe's hands were gentle on Nicky's cheeks, his lips kissed his closed eyelids, but then, in one swift movement that Nicky hadn't seen coming, Joe stood up, and, in the movement, swapped Nicky up in his arms.

"Hey!", Nicky protested, suddenly wide awake, looking at Joe out of where he was held bridal-style in his arms.

"No need to protest, my love", Joe chuckled, already starting to move, which caused Nicky's arms to tighten around his neck, "I've once seen you starve to death, I won't have that again, no matter how much I love cuddling with you."

"You're overreacting", Nicky pouted, but his stomach grumbled again, and when Joe raised an eyebrow at him, he coudln't help but chuckle along with him.

Joe carried him down the wooden stairs to the kitchen, carefully sat Nicky down on a chair there, and then went to open their fridge. They had arrived in Norway two days ago, rented a car in Oslo and then hiked the last few hours to this cabin, and Nicky knew that he couldn't expect a gourmet meal here, but that was worth it. Was worth it, to be out in the middle of nowhere, far away from civilization, and from the horrors that had occurred just days ago. What happened in Merrick's lap, what Booker did to them, it had left scars that Nicky knew would take a long time to heal, and right now, there was nowhere he'd rather be than here. Or, well, not necessarily in a lonely cabin in the north of Norway. What mattered was that he was with Joe, and that they were alone, totally alone and _safe_. That he could allow himself to keep his eyes closed a little longer in the mornings, without having to fear to have to witness his love's death at the hands of ruthless wannabe world saviors once he opened them.

Nicky took a deep breath, to chase away the dark memories, and then focused his gaze on Joe. Joe, his Yusuf, who was here, safe, alive, and who had started frying a fish he had bought the previous day, in the last village before they had left the common hiking path to find this hidden place. With a concentrated gaze, he added a bit of this and a hint of that from his little collection of spices, and Nicky smiled warmly while witnessing it. When they first had met, and after they had stopped slaughtering each other, he had been surprised to find out that the man who was not quite his enemy anymore did carry a little wooden box filled with herbs and spices around with him, and once he had first tasted them, his eyes had widened in shock at the unexpected taste explosion in his mouth. 

Joe would insist that between the two of them, Nicky was the better cook, and his Italian heart was proud to hear that, but at the same time, he knew that it would have been useless without Yusuf's patient teaching of the wide world of spices, of sensations on his tongue that he coudln't even have dreamed of when still living of sparse meals in the monastery in Genova. And through all the years, Yusuf had kept the habit of carrying around his spices, taking care of them like he did of his weapons and his sketchbook, and though he knew that he wasn't quite a chef, he enjoyed cooking for his Nicolò. To whom the spices that once had been utterly strange and exotic now tasted nearly as much of home as Joe's lips did. 

"Do you want to eat outside?", Joe asked while gesturing towards the little wooden balcony outside of the kitchen. 

Green eyes followed the gesture, before he shook his head, smiling when he saw how Joe had already known his answer. 

"It's so nice and cozy inside here", Nicky explained, and nearly purred like a cat when Joe laid his arms around him from behind, whispering "Cozy indeed".

Nicolò had never enjoyed the cold much, and Norway therefor wouldn't have been his first choice for a destination to lie low. But seeing the way in which Joe's eyes had been lighting up yesterday at the sight of a distant field of snow, it had made it more bearable, and Nicky knew himself - as much as he himself didn't like winters, his love's fascination with the cold never failed to make his heart swell, and being somewhere inside, cuddled in one of Joe's sweaters or, even better, like right now into his arms, it made even the coldest of days an enjoyable one. 

He still remembered the first time the two of them had encountered snow, how he himself had shivered and slung his coat closer around himself, to protect his skin from the wet flakes, while Yusuf had started smiling, and then proceeded to catch one of the snowflakes with his tongue. And even if he wouldn't have admitted it at the time, back then, Nicolò already had known that his heart belonged to this man fully, and that he'd never want anyone else by his side. 

"What are you thinking of?", Joe asked while placing a plate filled with a piece of fish and a few potatoes in front of Nicky, who nodded his thanks for the food. 

"Snow. I was thinking about snow, and how we first saw it." 

"Love at first sight, wasn't it?", Joe joked while sitting down next to Nicky, and the Italian paused. 

"Not quite", he whispered, and the emotions shining from his eyes told Joe that the conversation had stopped being about weather phenomenons. 

Joe leaned closer, to be able to press a gentle kiss to Nicky's blushing cheek. 

"But we got there, tesoro." 

"Yeah. And how glad I am that we did." 

They shared a kiss, unlike the ones from earlier in bed - this one was slow, existing just for its own sake, fueled by nothing but their love for each other. It took a few minutes, but then Joe leaned away, gesturing towards their food. 

"You should eat something, Nico." 

"Now that's unromantic", he laughed, earning a playful shove from Joe. 

"Hey! Making sure that the love of my forever gets something tasty inside him is very romantic!" 

"Oh you already put something nice inside me today..." 

Joe's mouth fell open while his cheeks blushed, and Nicky grinned proudly at his love's reaction.

"You're terrible!", Joe accused, hiding his smile behind a fork filled with fish. 

"And you love it." 

"I do." 

Once they had finished their food - which Nicky complimented with a smile, licking his lips a little provocative - Joe suggested that they should go outside, catch some daylight and fresh air. Nicky thought about it for a moment, but when Joe promised that afterwards, they could go right back to bed, for some more cuddles and maybe more, his love was convinced. Back in the bedroom, Nicky snatched one of Joe's thick wool sweaters out of his backpack, inhaling the familiar smell with a smile, and Joe watched him with a fond expression in his eyes, but didn't comment. Just as he didn't comment when Nicky slipped inside his jacket and wrapped a scarf around his neck, despite how in Joe's opinion, it wasn't _that_ cold. Instead, he made sure to warm at least one of Nicky's hands while holding it, and after walking outside for a few minutes, the thoughts about the temperature were chased out of both their minds.

The landscape was too impressive to think about other things; trees getting more spare the further away they walked from the cabin, up the mountain, and somewhere underneath, Joe could hear water running. It took them about half an hour to reach the mountain's highest point, a few pearls of sweat glistening on Nicky's forehead when he finally took off his scarf, and Joe let his eyes wander around, amazement widening them. The opposite side of the peak from where they had walked onto it was nothing but blank rock, a cliff looming above the fjord beyond. Joe watched the deep blue colour of the water down there, reminding him of Nicky's eyes when they were blown wide with lust in the twilight, and then those eyes were right in front of his, above Nicky's smile.

"It's beautiful up here", the Italian said joyful, gesturing towards the wild romantic loneliness.

"Not as much as you", Yusuf answered, before grabbing the colour of his sweater that Nicky was wearing to draw him close.

The two men walked around for a while until they found a flat large rock, its edges softened by the wind of centuries after centuries biting on it. Joe sat down on the rock, stretching his legs, and Nicky laid his head in Joe's lap, facing the sky. This gave Joe the perfect position to play with Nicky's hair, curling soft strands around his fingers, and after a moment, he voiced an idea he already had for a while.

"You should let your hair grow out again."

"Oh, should I now?", Nicky smirked, his eyes not leaving the clouds high above, "And why is that so, Yusuf?"

"Well, after everything, it would be good for.. being undercover."

"Hmm, but then it would be even better if I would for example shave my head, no?"

Joe's horrified expression was worth pausing his study of the clouds.

"You wouldn't!"

"Of course I wouldn't, amore mio. But, you can just say that you like me with long hair, you know?"

"Hmm, I could write sonnets about the extraordinary beauty of you, no matter how your hair is styled, but I can't deny that when it's longer, it might have.. an effect on me."

"That one could say", Nicky chuckled, before leaning up to press a quick kiss on Joe's lips, "I'll think about it", while inside, he of course already had decided to follow his love's wish.

Nicky's thoughts went back through the centuries, to that one time in the 17th century when the two of them had been separated for a few months, both doing some good for the world, but inside, feeling worse with each day. It had been the longest they had been separated, ever since first running their blades through each other's hearts, and it had been.. challenging. So the perspective of seeing his Yusuf again had been incredibly sweet to Nicky, back then Nicholas, and the evening before boarding the ship that would take him to Malta, where they were supposed to meet, he had been too excited to fall asleep. Andy, who had joined him a few days earlier, had witnessed that with a fond smile, and a reassurance that there was no reason to be nervous, absolutely none.

"And he'll love this", Andy had said, letting her fingers run through Nicky's hair that softly was curling towards his shoulders.

"You think so?", he had been debating to cut it before reuniting with his love; the length was nothing but an effect of not finding the time to worry about his hair in the last few weeks of infiltrating a crime ring, to finally blow it up together with Andy.

"Oh I'm _sure_ so", Andy had winked at him, and she was right. Of course she was.

Joe had picked Nicky up at the port, and at seeing his hair, which Nicky had put into a loose bun for the travel, his eyes had widened in a revealing way, while his mouth opened a little. 

"If we weren't in public right now...", had been his first words once he wrapped Nicky into a quick hug, and the Italian had smirked. 

"Then let's make sure that we get out of the public gaze soon", and they had. 

For a little over two weeks, they hadn't left the little cottage in Malta, or for that matter, the bed in it. And so Nicky had learnt that Joe might have a little thing for him with long hair. 

A noise brought Nicky back to the present. 

"What was that?", he looked around hastily, alertness stiffening his body. 

"Shh, just some bird, Nicky, nothing to worry about." 

Nicky took a deep breath, and finally, he spotted the silhouette of the bird, somewhere far above, and allowed himself to relax. 

"What do you think it is?" 

"Hmm, a hawk I'd say", Joe guessed, his eyes focused on the distant shape of the bird underneath the clouds. 

"Never ever!", Nicky countered, standing up, "That has to be an eagle!" 

"Oh please, it's too small for an eagle", Joe insisted. 

"A young eagle perhaps?" 

"Oh come on", a warm laugh bubbled out of Joe's lips, "Look at the feathers, that _never_ is an eagle. Maybe you should get some glasses, Mr. Sniper." 

Nicky's shoulders shook in a laugh, but he didn't turn around, his eyes fixed on the bird above, while he walked a few meters away, trying to follow the flight of the animal above. The bird flew a little less high, and Nicky hurried to follow it, his eyes still rather on the bird than on the way. It looked funny, in Joe's opinion, how Nicky was walking around, spinning, nearly as if he was dancing to an unheard melody, all the while cranking his head to the sky, exposing his pretty neck. 

And then, suddenly, without warning, it happened. 

Nicky stepped on a rock while walking backwards. A rock that turned out to be lose. The Italian lost his footing, his face showing a hint of annoyance, at the perspective of falling down, catching some bruises. But he didn't. For there was no ground to fall onto. 

Nicky stumbled, and then he fell backwards over the edge of the cliff. It took a moment for his scream to reach Joe's ears, another for him to realize what it meant. Fear was running ice cold through Joe's veins while his heart seemed to burst into a thousand sharp splinters, and mental images of Quynh, drowning again and again, carved into his brain by countless nightmares, mixed with the screams of his love that finally faded into silence. 

The impact of hitting the water's surface didn't kill Nicky, but he immediately wished that it had. Most bones in his body seemed to be broken, the pain nearly unbearable; cold water filled his lungs and drowned his screams. Nicky's last thought before dying was that he stumbled right into his worst nightmare. And then, blackness took over his vision, while he tried to think of warm brown eyes, sparkling with love...

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song "The Water" by Hurts 🌊
> 
> Please leave me a comment, I'd love to read your thoughts! ❤️


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